A couple of days ago, I blogged about Maxine, extolling her wisdom. With one of those twists of fate that the universe does with such capriciousness, a friend sent me this series of Maxine's warnings that came to her via email. In an effort to be helpful, I want to take this opportunity to share them with you.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking
hands with someone who has been driving
because the number one pastime
while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends
me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans
fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's
handbag for fear she has placed it on
the floor of a public
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge
every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to
scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a
drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with
my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers
only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a
wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern , I no longer
drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer
buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial
killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer
use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because
I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will
me with a perfume sample and rob me..
And I no longer answer
the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will
get a huge phone bill with calls to
Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and
Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great
advice I can't ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because
it was probably placed
there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
Well, there you have it folks. Maxine's warnings for us all. As usual, she has the right of it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going have a much needed nap on my bed covered by a bedspread that's had heaven-knows-what done on it.