Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Day 92, August 22

A couple of days ago, I blogged about Maxine, extolling her wisdom.  With one of those twists of fate that the universe does with such capriciousness, a friend sent me this series of Maxine's warnings that came to her via email.  In an effort to be helpful, I want to take this opportunity to share them with you.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands
with someone who has been driving
because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because
I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag
for fear she has placed it on
the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks
for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.

now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar
because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC
because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants
even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you
I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern ,
I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy
fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap
in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know
I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring
me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema
because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers
because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to
Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice
I can't ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed
there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening
because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

Well, there you have it folks.  Maxine's warnings for us all.  As usual, she has the right of it.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going have a much needed nap on my bed covered by a bedspread that's had heaven-knows-what done on it.

1 comment:

  1. In the same vein, but from a different generation, Weird Al has a song called "Virus Alert", urging you not to open a certain email attachment and telling about all the horrible things that will happen if you do, including translate your legal documents to Swahili, change your name to Reggie, make the paint peel off your walls, and cause a rift in time and space.

    That's the thing about life; it's fatal.