Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Day 214, July 16

One more airport security experience to share.

On my last trip, I was stopped by the underwear police.  Again.  However, that was not the end of the TSA's invasion of my person.  I went through the porno-scanner (and really, who wants to see the lumps and bumps of a decidedly middle age woman?).  Suddenly lights were flashing and I was pulled, roughly, aside.

Agent:  Ma'am,"  (why am I always "Ma/am" to TSA people?).  You've set off all kinds of hot spots.  I think it's your sweater.  (My sweater had some sparkly things on it.)

Me:  I'm sorry.

Agent:  We're going to have to give you a full body pat down.

Me (resigned):  Have at it.

Agent:  I'm going to go over your breasts, your buttocks, up and down your legs until I can't go any further.

What I wanted to say was "Have fun."  Prudence kept me silent.

Agent:  I will be using the back of my hand.

Really?  That makes it better?

Agent:  I'm patting under your breasts now.

Me:  I'm wearing an underwire bra.
Agent:  I know.  Please be silent.

Agent:  I'm patting your buttocks now.

Agent:  I'm patting between your legs.

I've had pelvic exams that were less invasive.

Agent:  I'm done.  It looks like you're clean.

Me:  Do I really look like a terrorist?

Agent:  You never can tell.

Gem for the day:  If you're flying, leave the sparkly stuff at home.  You'll get more than you bargained for otherwise.

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